Banksy. The world’s most famous artist. The world’s most infamous artist. The world’s most important artist. The world’s most secret identity. For many people Banksy is all those things. But he is also, for at least the few minutes a day that he isn’t busy “being Banksy,” a human being. Does he eat lunch? Yes, he does. Does he piss and poop? Yes, he does. Does he brush his teeth? Yes, he does. Does he have a girlfriend? Yes, he does, and for better or for worse, that would be me.

Banksy’s Girlfriend

My name is Alexis Smith. I am a publicist. No, I am not Banksy’s publicist – he’s the guy I play house with. I’ve been Boris Johnson’s publicist since he was a Minister for Higher Education, and for 5 years now, I’ve been a publicist in the London Mayor’s office. As if that wasn’t 24/7 enough, in 2008 I also started doing work for the House of McQueen. I’m obviously not going to tell you Banksy’s “real” name, but let’s just say it’s “Charles Rosenthal.” Charles / Banksy and I have lived together for about 10 years now. In 2008 we moved into a larger, nicer flat. We told everyone it was because of the extra money I was making with the new client, but it was really because my street artist boyfriend was starting to make a lot of money.

Fucking Lois Lane

When Charles / Banksy and I started dating he was a part-time clerk at HMV Records and didn’t make a lot of money. I paid the rent and I subsidized his creative efforts. Today he still does, in my opinion, the most powerful, most important work in the world, but he also sells pieces and has gallery and museum exhibitions. Today he’s still a street artist with many arrest warrants on his head, but he’s also a very successful exhibition and sales artist. The truth is we didn’t get the fancy, new 2008 flat because I started working for McQueen, we got it because instead of being a cash sinkhole, Charles / Banksy started making a fortune. Of course, no one in my world actually knows this.

Out of my entire family and every friend I have on earth, the only person who actually knows my stoopid boyfriend’s “secret identity” is my sister Amy. And in order to be allowed to tell her we had to do a whole Kabuki, blood ritual. Clark Kent’s girlfriend never had to deal with half the crap I do. Being fucking Lois Lane would be a cakewalk compared to being Banksy’s girlfriend.

He’s Using You Ali!

Oh Alexis, you’re young, you’re smart, you’re beautiful, and you deserve so much better than him. A million guys would kill to date you and I just don’t understand why you stay with this deadbeat who’s so obnoxious and opinionated yet never lifts a finger to help out. HE’S USING YOU ALI! Can’t you see it!? He gets free rent, he gets free everything from you! He gives you nothing. He does nothing. You have to know if the day ever comes when you can’t keep supporting him, he’s never going to take care of you, he’s just going to move on to the next free ride. You’re such a beautiful person Alix, I just don’t think you understand how you’re being taken advantage of. You deserve so much better. You deserve a real man. You deserve someone who will love you and take care of you. Don’t you want that? But you’re never going to find it so long as you have that useless leech Charles sucking you dry. Dump him Ali. Dump him today!

I should just have that tattooed on my forehead.

My boyfriend is the most important artist on the face of the freaking earth, he makes way more money than I do, and every friend I have in this world thinks my boyfriend is a useless deadbeat who never does anything.

Banksy’s Laptop

And oh, for crap’s sake, if your boyfriend has a secret identity, don’t ever try to check your email on his laptop! He’s got so many flippin’ “data rituals” to make sure “Charles” doesn’t accidentally send an email from “Banksy!” And then Alexis wants to login to her email? Yeah, good luck Banksy’s Girlfriend! Charles is so busy meeting Banksy’s needs, where do I fit in?

And who am I dating anyway?

Does the Mask Hide the Real? Or reveal it?

Is “Banksy” my boyfriend? Or is “Charles” my boyfriend? When your boyfriend is an accountant by day and a Horde warrior by night… well… who are you dating then? Is Charles the man “playing” Banksy? Or is Banksy the “real” person and Charles just the secret identity? Will Clark Kent ever get Lois to love him just for Clark? Will he ever be able to compete with the “Man of Steel?” Is “Man of Steel” the cheesiest sexual innuendo ever coined by mainstream media? Maybe the whole world is “dating” the power and charisma of Darth Vader, and it’s only lucky me who gets to come home to burn victim Anakin Skywalker’s shriveled body and watch him sit in his boxers and drink cheap beer and watch moronic TV shows.

IKR! It’s so weird that she keeps dating him! Ali’s so smart in so many ways, but I just think she’s got a blind spot when it comes to Charles. Don’t ask me what she sees in him cause honestly, all I see is a great big zero. It’s almost a cult-like thing the way he’s got her brainwashed. She thinks he’s special, don’t ask me why, and she just dutifully hands over her hard-earned checks to him. It’s really sad. I wish there was some way we could make her see who he really is.

• Banksy.co.uk
• Julia Kim Smith / With Banksy
• Nick Stern / You Are Not Banksy

• Alexis F. Smith / Tumblr
• Alexis F. Smith / Google Plus